Waves.

Every time I spitefully breathe in smoke,
I breathe you in.
Several times a day (too many times), I slowly die from purely physical reasons
and you.

I miss you so much, words fail me.
This shocks me; I talk a lot, but now I spew out empty words if you're not nearby, within earshot.

I can't deal with the distance and I need to hold you.
I sincerely and overwhelmingly (suddenly) long for your apple-white skin and the way it reminds me of my own destruction.

Your lips are still the best I've kissed.

Emotional masochism envelopes me in its warm, stinging grip and I now know that that is where my safety lies;
within you.
My center;
within you.

I may be able to take a step back for now, but it'll be you -
over and over and over again.

As hopeless and useless as it is,
it's always going to be you.
Your smile, your laugh, your heart;
the way you love me.
You will eternally stab at voodoo dolls in my chest.

I love you.

Sore ribs.

WWII of registered waking up and the opposite rises in magnitude,
but I don't want to wake up to how this feels.

With half a heart, I hang on;
With the other half, I attempt escape
because I don't want to be here again.

I may be more than obvious to some, but you can't see a thing.
I hide behind walls and keep up a facade.
I feel filthy, diseased and traitorous
for doing this (in my mind) to some.

It's gonna hurt, and I'm sorry.

Realize.

Martyrdom pains some;
They blame themselves for everything that goes wrong.
It's nobody's fault, in reality;
We all fuck up sometimes.

Collective fucking up is what's wrong.
All the Al Gores of the world try to Dr. Phil us
and all we want to do is OJ Simpson them
and Lorena Bobbit organized religion,
after which we'd Kurt Cobain ourselves (the entire world)
and enjoy it.

Fucking hypocrites is what we all are;
every single one.

"Didn't want to know".

Sleep might save my psyche now
as confusion tears through my mind and resonates in my insides.
Emotions suddenly skyrocket and my mind is a thunderstorm;

The eye of the storm beholds your eyes.

I see things I can never be close to, too many obstacles blind me and terminate the way (the only way).
My back is warmed sometimes by thoughts of you, sometimes by wool.
The doors of perception open wide after what feels like an eternity of repression and I can't take everything in yet.

I'm flailing and have no idea where to go or who to run to.
I'm famished and have no clue whether to make myself sane again or not.

Utterly spent in every sense of the word and the sum of every color carves routes through my brainwaves as it slithers around.

On my way home.

Acceptance is subjective, apparently,
and shock + recoil the best reaction.

Stinging words whip at me and I find I cannot back away.
The pain (sting, slash) keeps me alive and sane,
for what seems too good to be true
probably is.

Cynicism repeatedly rears its malicious head,
these days.
And I long for the warm, wild comfort of the sun again.

Asdasd.

Tell me what you want,
what you mean.
Probably not much, but I'm way too far below and I was civil.
But I feed off of you,
and need you near me.

Make me mad and cause me suffering,
I missed this feeling.
Honestly, my body begs for you,
and it's taking everything in my power to not voice it.
This agonizing need for you is starting to scratch its way outwards
into the open space, where you could see it too.

I don't want that; I'm not available to you.
You blew me off once, blow me.
If only I could be cruel, but I'm floating between the perimeters, not feeling much.
I'm not sure of anything and I don't like this anymore.

You could probably make my emotional centerpoint fly to either perimeter easily.
Fucking do it, stop torturing me.

Asdasd.

I struggle to feel something.
I struggle to not feel numb.
I struggle to not be disappointed.
It consumes me without regard for my emotions - ironic.

Eh, prophesy saw this coming and it brings one down.
It's a shame I never did see it.

Confidence is difficult to manage and it can tip easily
into someone's direction,
making it impossible to control,
and that's why I am where I am.

Frustration is also a lovely feeling.
Make me feel.