Respiratory problems enveloped me and I feel even an inhaler wouldn’t help now.
One of those couldn’t hurt, though.
Fuck, claustrophobia nestles in with my other fears and paranoias;
My body burns and twinges occasionally.
My center is long gone as I reach out, trying to grasp it.
My center might be with someone else.
My center might not even exist.
A feeling similar to a gag reflex takes over my entire carcass each time I attempt to cough, but end up not breathing for several seconds.
This is purgatory.
I finally feel emotions I should’ve felt gods-know-how-long-ago.
Visual bending as seeing around corners becomes possible again.
Entities pick at strings inside me; we’re mere tools for the use of endless minds.
Flesh and blood combined don’t mean shit.
The world can rush when eyes are closed; I’m short of breath.
Feelings are felt as if through another being, like they’re not mine to feel.
Immense longing to walk and walk and walk and never stop takes control;
Letting go has always been difficult.
The napalm inside me is building up again.
It’s a fucking brutal war inside and I find myself, see myself, passed out on my floor as the elongation-addition-stretch of me walks out the door and lights a cigarette.
Find a happy place, find a happy place - stop writhing for nothing, pathetic piece of shit.
I’m nearly found, but the radar’s beeping precariously as something nears.
4/27/10
4/26/10
Superbia, avaritia, luxuria, invidia, gula, ira, acedia.
Green is a color of several meanings; disease, jealousy, a state of elevation, nurturing.
In rare cases, all four can be found residing in a single being.
Jealousy being relatively abstract, it has degrees of severity.
Nurturing is fairly simple and often indirect or accidental.
A state of elevation is easy to reach with money on you + the right connections.
Now, disease.
Disease is compelling and multidimensional.
Disease can be concretely defined, but I prefer to stick with a looser definition.
Susceptibility to some types of disease may be inherited or developed;
This varies a great amount considering the individual in question.
A crippling illness of the mind is far worse than
degeneration
of
the
carcass.
The carcass can usually be substantially fixed.
The psyche is too complex to repair easily.
Sometimes we must go through Hell to get to Heaven;
The same applies for "negative" afflictions of the mind.
They can elevate you and make you something utterly beautiful,
Or they can break you past the point of no return.
It's all up to you, all of it.
It's
all
in
your
head.
In rare cases, all four can be found residing in a single being.
Jealousy being relatively abstract, it has degrees of severity.
Nurturing is fairly simple and often indirect or accidental.
A state of elevation is easy to reach with money on you + the right connections.
Now, disease.
Disease is compelling and multidimensional.
Disease can be concretely defined, but I prefer to stick with a looser definition.
Susceptibility to some types of disease may be inherited or developed;
This varies a great amount considering the individual in question.
A crippling illness of the mind is far worse than
degeneration
of
the
carcass.
The carcass can usually be substantially fixed.
The psyche is too complex to repair easily.
Sometimes we must go through Hell to get to Heaven;
The same applies for "negative" afflictions of the mind.
They can elevate you and make you something utterly beautiful,
Or they can break you past the point of no return.
It's all up to you, all of it.
It's
all
in
your
head.
4/25/10
Cardiac arrest.
I wish I knew what to compare you to, just so I could form an estimate of how I should feel.
I never dig my way out of trenches of love evaporated at this speed;
What went differently?
I'll liken you to someplace I've not yet visited, but intuitively I know I want to and maybe in another life, I'll end up doing.
A would-be nymphomaniac outcast to myself is what I'll remain as.
Born on speed and unable to control emotion.
Sensitive bastard, indecisive bitch.
I am without manners; crude, rude and obscene.
I'll never be dishonest about who I am.
ps. I twitch like hell and have a moody pulse.
I never dig my way out of trenches of love evaporated at this speed;
What went differently?
I'll liken you to someplace I've not yet visited, but intuitively I know I want to and maybe in another life, I'll end up doing.
A would-be nymphomaniac outcast to myself is what I'll remain as.
Born on speed and unable to control emotion.
Sensitive bastard, indecisive bitch.
I am without manners; crude, rude and obscene.
I'll never be dishonest about who I am.
ps. I twitch like hell and have a moody pulse.
4/20/10
Insomnia.
As riffs from guitars, both acoustic and electric, echo in my head, I am reminded of you through direct and indirect associations.
The words randomly chosen from purposeful songs ring through me and the low frequencies reverberate through my spine, causing forced movements.
Independence towers near me, calling me to climb up and look around through new eyes.
In a trance I ascend neverending stairs as I realize the destination, however desirable, makes no difference compared to the journey itself, which can be molded and can branch in several directions and states of consciousness simultaneously.
Some may mistake these remarkable vibrations for insanity in the broad sense of the word or schizophrenia, causing negative splitting of ions, angles of consciousness and the soul.
This splitting, circling and evolving can be absorbed and used to free aspects of your psyche from confinement; to unlock cages and release new dimensions of self-awareness or death of oneself internally.
Once you relinquish even the slightest attempt at control over these autonomous actions, you might find that the external world in its whole spectrum of material starts to lose its seductive shine slowly as your mind takes over and cage doors begin to fly open, independent of conscious control.
The words randomly chosen from purposeful songs ring through me and the low frequencies reverberate through my spine, causing forced movements.
Independence towers near me, calling me to climb up and look around through new eyes.
In a trance I ascend neverending stairs as I realize the destination, however desirable, makes no difference compared to the journey itself, which can be molded and can branch in several directions and states of consciousness simultaneously.
Some may mistake these remarkable vibrations for insanity in the broad sense of the word or schizophrenia, causing negative splitting of ions, angles of consciousness and the soul.
This splitting, circling and evolving can be absorbed and used to free aspects of your psyche from confinement; to unlock cages and release new dimensions of self-awareness or death of oneself internally.
Once you relinquish even the slightest attempt at control over these autonomous actions, you might find that the external world in its whole spectrum of material starts to lose its seductive shine slowly as your mind takes over and cage doors begin to fly open, independent of conscious control.
4/18/10
Beginning of a journey.
As I sat in the cold, I didn't half-expect or even strongly hope to see you.
It puzzled me; usually I'd long for it.
A moment of clarity in the midst of various states of intoxication that took all doubt away suddenly washed over me.
I discovered I'm mirroring myself in you and living off my vices.
They keep me sane, (the border's alarmingly close, though)
I lie to myself and become diseased, oozing false truths, assumptions and wrong encouragements.
The flashback-like feeling that rushes through me, making my neck tingle and skin tinge with a reddish glow when you snap at me or ignore me is approaching too much in my head and I'm approaching the state I was in a year ago.
A salvia trip: a short-lived, intense sensation that feels like an eternity. Familiarity is painful; I can relate to that drug and the tripping without ever having experienced it concretely. Just through you.
I'd love to ascend from the memory of this, But I fear I might be down here a while.
Thankfully I can nearly say I'm allright, but the words are still too mumbled to decipher in my head. Not just yet.
Optophobia's setting in again, good night for some time.
People, places, feelings, habits, situations become strong addictions in an instant.
I can't keep up yet; listen to me.
I'm in detox and my rehab consists of solitude, people, coffee, cigarettes and clarity.
It puzzled me; usually I'd long for it.
A moment of clarity in the midst of various states of intoxication that took all doubt away suddenly washed over me.
I discovered I'm mirroring myself in you and living off my vices.
They keep me sane, (the border's alarmingly close, though)
I lie to myself and become diseased, oozing false truths, assumptions and wrong encouragements.
The flashback-like feeling that rushes through me, making my neck tingle and skin tinge with a reddish glow when you snap at me or ignore me is approaching too much in my head and I'm approaching the state I was in a year ago.
A salvia trip: a short-lived, intense sensation that feels like an eternity. Familiarity is painful; I can relate to that drug and the tripping without ever having experienced it concretely. Just through you.
I'd love to ascend from the memory of this, But I fear I might be down here a while.
Thankfully I can nearly say I'm allright, but the words are still too mumbled to decipher in my head. Not just yet.
Optophobia's setting in again, good night for some time.
People, places, feelings, habits, situations become strong addictions in an instant.
I can't keep up yet; listen to me.
I'm in detox and my rehab consists of solitude, people, coffee, cigarettes and clarity.
4/15/10
The Devil and His.
Grey matter; bang and the strike is gone again, a dull ache remains.
You might feel better than you thought.
Fiery winds tunnel in my insides, look.
(At least I went down singing.)
Phoenix, fiery winds, reincarnation, rebirth, flight.
Napalmnapalmnapalmnapalmnapalm in my bed.
It's not so bad; I'm still very much alive and breathing.
Appreciation flows as the topmost emotion.
Thank you, again, infinitely, I care for you.
You might feel better than you thought.
Fiery winds tunnel in my insides, look.
(At least I went down singing.)
Phoenix, fiery winds, reincarnation, rebirth, flight.
Napalmnapalmnapalmnapalmnapalm in my bed.
It's not so bad; I'm still very much alive and breathing.
Appreciation flows as the topmost emotion.
Thank you, again, infinitely, I care for you.
4/13/10
Tonight, tonight.
My veins crackle with it
It only makes sense flying
I might explode, catch the liver
Casserole
Soft psychedelia coursing in veins of those that can
If only, if only
The cat would not hiss (or mew)
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
It only makes sense flying
I might explode, catch the liver
Casserole
Soft psychedelia coursing in veins of those that can
If only, if only
The cat would not hiss (or mew)
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
4/11/10
Mahdoton muistaa.
A formula to which few people have the solution; complicated calculations.
Gentle arithmetics, subtracting and algebra combine.
Gentle arithmetics, subtracting and algebra combine.
4/7/10
Out of the web.
Whirlpools of doubt; frustration churns through my insides and I feel nauseous.
The things I need to carry and see through weigh a lot and my back hurts already, without extra baggage.
The light awaits me in a few short days, a matter of hoursminutesseconds.
The dark side tempts me; I have a passionate love for it.
But we all need the light sometimes.
The things I need to carry and see through weigh a lot and my back hurts already, without extra baggage.
The light awaits me in a few short days, a matter of hoursminutesseconds.
The dark side tempts me; I have a passionate love for it.
But we all need the light sometimes.
Bliss.
Moving on, moving forward, moving toward something beautiful.
My emotional, bloodstained rollercoaster has gone out of business,
And I smile.
On a new frontier, exploring, intrigued.
Thrilling chills up my spine; I feel like the sun,
And I smile.
Press my back against a wall, kiss my neck, whisper.
"You make me happy; you're beautiful".
And I'll smile.
My emotional, bloodstained rollercoaster has gone out of business,
And I smile.
On a new frontier, exploring, intrigued.
Thrilling chills up my spine; I feel like the sun,
And I smile.
Press my back against a wall, kiss my neck, whisper.
"You make me happy; you're beautiful".
And I'll smile.
4/4/10
Flashbacking (to almost a year ago).
I could say "Make me bleed," but
I'd rather you do it voluntarily.
Bruise me,
Scratch me,
Bite me.
I have to say nothing,
Slash me open inside
And I'm happy again,
All bled out.
I have no energy to resist,
So I smile.
I'll get you next time, I think,
As I rest my head on your chest.
I never knew the glory of pain,
For I am inglorious.
I'd rather you do it voluntarily.
Bruise me,
Scratch me,
Bite me.
I have to say nothing,
Slash me open inside
And I'm happy again,
All bled out.
I have no energy to resist,
So I smile.
I'll get you next time, I think,
As I rest my head on your chest.
I never knew the glory of pain,
For I am inglorious.
Abstraction.
We stand at the borders of different zones,
Barely touching.
These zones represent things that limit us;
Our physical beings.
If these zones were to be eradicated,
Nothing would be impossible.
The concrete, visible variations of our exoskeletons can only be called limits.
Once we peel off useless layers,
Excess layers of humanity, inhumanity, facades and farce,
We cease to be mere caricatures of ourselves.
Every one of us in our respective, limiting, volatile-to-touch zones.
Upon crossing a border, I may ignite,
But don't fear, love - It's only my outer shell burning.
After 10 000 days of the torturous fire, I'll scream into the deafening silence,
And be yours for all time.
Barely touching.
These zones represent things that limit us;
Our physical beings.
If these zones were to be eradicated,
Nothing would be impossible.
The concrete, visible variations of our exoskeletons can only be called limits.
Once we peel off useless layers,
Excess layers of humanity, inhumanity, facades and farce,
We cease to be mere caricatures of ourselves.
Every one of us in our respective, limiting, volatile-to-touch zones.
Upon crossing a border, I may ignite,
But don't fear, love - It's only my outer shell burning.
After 10 000 days of the torturous fire, I'll scream into the deafening silence,
And be yours for all time.
Wired agents.
Parabolas are inclined to symmetry:
The basis for psychedelia.
There is balance in chaos; sick, twisted, perverted
But a balance nonetheless;
It is organized, lesser chaos.
Tipping the scales? Fatal, in theory.
In practice, a different matter, a constituent of sorts.
An agent of relentless chaos.
When this occurs, organized chaos is a distant fantasy,
But everything else feels like the best orgasm you've ever had,
Times a thousand and then some.
Wanton, dirty, secret and all-encompassing.
Dive into the uncontrollable and poisonous,
You'll find you love it in there.
The basis for psychedelia.
There is balance in chaos; sick, twisted, perverted
But a balance nonetheless;
It is organized, lesser chaos.
Tipping the scales? Fatal, in theory.
In practice, a different matter, a constituent of sorts.
An agent of relentless chaos.
When this occurs, organized chaos is a distant fantasy,
But everything else feels like the best orgasm you've ever had,
Times a thousand and then some.
Wanton, dirty, secret and all-encompassing.
Dive into the uncontrollable and poisonous,
You'll find you love it in there.
The City of Dys: the Temple.
The shades / souls screaming
Writhing behind me in their pews
that stretch along in thousands
I feel I'm being torn apart, slowly pulled
Agonizingly flayed as I try to gaze at
The shrine, the idol or tower
The tower or chimney that represents
Eternal moments of something
Ongoing suffering, pain, noise
A higher entity that willingly binds
Everyone and everything together
I tried to gaze up but my vision bent
Trying harder but being flayed more
Spots of light, uncharacteristic
Finally I saw, a chimney in a holy color
Black as night
Smog rising and falling and rising and
Falling
Ebony and solid, leaves no trace
Outside your soul
I died, passed out, gone
Snapped back to reality
My warped interpretation
------------------
A pressure everywhere and my head is compressed
The shades are still calling
Sirens
They sound sweeter now
I find I'm there within their masses
As one, as any
Breathing only because its the only thing that
Keeps the noise flowing
I'm prodded, hit, touched by one
Its touch is soft and warm
What comes off as pain and terror to all
That see the shades is a sensory lie
What they experience is utter bliss, euforia
Life at its purest
I feel enveloped
The light now exists and is brighter
Writhing behind me in their pews
that stretch along in thousands
I feel I'm being torn apart, slowly pulled
Agonizingly flayed as I try to gaze at
The shrine, the idol or tower
The tower or chimney that represents
Eternal moments of something
Ongoing suffering, pain, noise
A higher entity that willingly binds
Everyone and everything together
I tried to gaze up but my vision bent
Trying harder but being flayed more
Spots of light, uncharacteristic
Finally I saw, a chimney in a holy color
Black as night
Smog rising and falling and rising and
Falling
Ebony and solid, leaves no trace
Outside your soul
I died, passed out, gone
Snapped back to reality
My warped interpretation
------------------
A pressure everywhere and my head is compressed
The shades are still calling
Sirens
They sound sweeter now
I find I'm there within their masses
As one, as any
Breathing only because its the only thing that
Keeps the noise flowing
I'm prodded, hit, touched by one
Its touch is soft and warm
What comes off as pain and terror to all
That see the shades is a sensory lie
What they experience is utter bliss, euforia
Life at its purest
I feel enveloped
The light now exists and is brighter
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